acknowledgements
Firstly, I would like to thank my mom and sister for offering to type my letters and update my blog for me, as well as host this website.
Some inmates here at Bent County have helped provide content; chief among them Michael J. McCarthy, who has since been released from prison.
My friends also deserve praise for all of their help over the years. They know who they are and I do not wish to violate their privacy here.
Some of my newer friends knew me while I was living with one foot in the real world and another in my distorted imaginary dreamland. I hope I provided something interesting to talk about at the very least. Believe it or not, I valued their friendship and they are free to contact me if they should so choose.
additional thanks
imagelinesoftware
I have imageline to thank for providing accessible studio tools to people worldwide. I believe that FL studio is the cheapest, easiest, and most versatile music production software there is. It helped me to keep the dream alive when I would have otherwise been compelled to kill myself. I really cannot understate how cool I think their software is.
rpmchallenge.com
I have this challenge to thank for giving me something other than text to offer my readers. In February 2009 I had no idea I would ever attempt anything like a prison weblog, that my submission would be listenable, or that it would inspire me to keep trying despite insurmountable odds.
some notes on the site design
I learned the basics of web design in a prison class. I was already familliar with some HTML beforehand, but the class really helped it make much more sense. Later, I used the Colorado's inter-library-loan program to borrow some of the Sitepoint book series, which helped expand my understanding of CSS2 (and some CSS3 stuff), as well as semantic markup concepts. While not a great design, it's pretty good considering my setbacks.
If you are a web developer (ametuer or not) with some free time to kill and a passion for...well, doing strange things for strange people, I strongly encourage you to contact me. Keep in mind I only make 60 cents a day, and probably couldn't pay you anything; though you'd get the street cred.
I should probably clarify that by "doing strange things" I mean "helping my family figure out how to expand my website to make it more interactive."
influences
There is a commonly held belief -- it may be fact; to be honest, I've never looked into it -- that famous artists on the whole are similar in some manner to the very worst of society. I have often wondered if musicians and artists have an extra set of desires that others cannot understand. There is certainly an element of madness in all human endeavors.
In her book, Strange Piece of Paradise, Terri Jentz, axe-attack survivor, writes about a similar insight:
What if murderous acts are rooted in a craving for heightened reality, a quickening, a yearning to transcend banal existence? Perhaps everyday life is not adequate for some people's inner needs. Perhaps ecstacy -- a rush of energy, intense feelings of potency, a release from inhibition -- is a deep psychic need, one that was satisifed by ritual in archaic societies but for which prosaic modern life offers few outlets. Perhaps the willful taking of life is fueled by a psychic energy meant to serve a higher spiritual function, but one which has been perverted.
The following artists had a big hand in pulling me out of various fogs throughout my life, although eventually I went a bit too far anyway.
nineinchnails/trentreznor
Trent Reznor is one of my biggest heroes. There are many things to admire, and I've identified with him for a long time. I think his musical style is genius. He seems attracted to dark things, and it has always helped me to have a success story like his to draw inspiration from.
radiohead
I discovered Radiohead well after everyone else did, which probably made me look like 'that Radiohead guy' while I was acquainting with their discography. What can I really add that hasn't already been said?
deftones
White Pony somehow led me to take my guitar playing and approach to music both more seriously and less seriously. It inspired me to think very differently about everything, which, to me, makes it a very good album.
boardsofcanada
This music seems to capture some essence of my sick side, and it resonates very closely with me. Whether intended to or not, boards of canada's discography helps me explore some of my stranger thoughts without getting lost or feeling isolated.
last, but not least
To the reader, thank you for your interest in my life. Truly, I thank you. Your readership transforms my outlook into something positive, and keeps me firmly grounded in reality. Your passive participation in my life may well end up saving it.
For now, it provides me with an unprecedented sense of meaning. I have yet to interpret that meaning, but there is plenty of time to work it out. Perhaps it would be better left uninterpreted altogether. I am discovering happiness for the first time, really; and you contribute in no small way.
Thanks again,
Sincerely,
