The Christpunchers

This is more of a joke, but maybe it'll catch on.

There was a Simpsons episode wherein Homer, Moe, Flanders and Principal Skinner start a biker gang called the Hell's Satans. At one point in the episode, Flanders protests the name's blasphemous nature, and Moe suggests The Chrispunchers as an alternative. This is not an original idea at all.

Around the time I first saw the episode, I was using a scooter to get back and forth between Aurora and Denver. It had lots of ridiculous decal stickers on it, and it topped out at perhaps 35 miles per hour. I liked to park it next to big motorcycles outside of bars. It was great -- too small to have to be registered and got 80 miles to the gallon. I spent around 2 dollars a week on gas.

A seed of silliness planted in my mind one evening around 2005 or 2006 (way before I lost my mind): I wondered if it would be possible to start a scooter-gang called The Christpunchers. I wondered what sort of people might join such a club. Unfortunately, my scooter broke down before I could find people with rides of their own. Today there are a few "rogue" members, but there could be so many, many more.

Now that I am in prison, I'd like to share the idea. My imprisonment lends an element of legitimacy (as my friends on the outside would say) to the founding of such a club, so if you'd like to start a chapter, by all means do so! The membership guidelines are not stringent by any means:

Ye Olde' Membership Guidelines

  1. You have to think that it's a totally awesome idea to be a Christpuncher.
  2. You should own a scooter. The slower and in worse shape, the better.
  3. Your scooter should run, and you should probably ride it once in a while.
  4. While riding your scooter, be sure to wear your riding jacket. Otherwise no one will know you're a Christpuncher, which, of course, is a punishment in its own right.
  5. Remember the Christpuncher motto, "Punch Christ for Jesus." Reflect on it once in a while. Could Jesus turn the other cheek if no one ever punched his first one? If God is everywhere and Jesus is God, could every punch be considered a christpunch?
  6. Memorize the Christpuncher's official Bible verse, John 11:35.
  7. Have as much fun with this idea as you can. Since its founding member (that's me) isn't free, the spirit of the Christpunchers should be one of celebration, cheer, and of having the sort of fun that prisoners cannot. Generally: boozing, sexing, rocking-out and riding crappy scooters.
  8. The Christpunchers' "official" musical preference is 30-minute, ambient soundscapes.

Riding Jackets

Being a Christpuncher is as much a fashion statement as it is a state of mind. You don't really need a scooter to join the movement; it just make the experience a whole lot more fun.

While I was in the military, I did not like wearing uniforms. I would scarcely expect Christpunchers to enjoy wearing them either. I feel that a Christpuncher's jacket should reflect aspects of his or her personality, so I've come up with some rider jacket suggestions to help us identify one another. Why would we want to do that? I really have no idea. Because humans are social animals? Because we're atheists with a sense of humor that enjoy the Simpsons, even if the episode that spawned the idea was a horrible one?

I digress; peep these jacket-making suggestions:

  1. Pick any jacket you wouldn't mind permanently disfiguring. If you have any veterans in your family, it may pay off to raid their wardrobe. Trust me, they were never going to wear that stuff again, no matter how much they may protest your newfound use for it.
  2. Find, make, purchase or otherwise acquire a copy of an image of Jesus Christ. It can be any image that speaks to you personally.
  3. Find, make, purchase or otherwise acquire a copy of an image of a fist. Any fist will do, although you may want to make sure its facing a direction that will line up with your Jesus image.
  4. Using photoshop, paint, gimp, or whatever, crudely combine your Jesus and fist images.
  5. Print your ungodly creation, in a size that will fit on the back of your jacket. Now comes the hardest part.
  6. You may want to tape or glue your image to some cardboard at this point: Using an exacto knife, razor, or scissors (or whatever), cut out the negative space of the image to create a crude stencil of your punched Christ.
  7. Using your stencil, spraypaint the horrid creation onto the back of your riding jacket. Your ascendance begins now.

one final note

One of the other Buddhists told me he thought this idea was sure to bring me bad karma. This may be a common reaction to the idea. I do not mean for The Christpunchers to be a mean-spirited venture; just a funny and mildly annoying one. I'm not going to go around punching Christians; that would be ridiculous. The only people it will anger are exactly the sort people I do not mind angering; they do it to themselves, after all.

I think that's all there is to say to any would-be naysayers.